Dealing with My Own Shame.
2.20.21
Journal Entry #5
“It’s time to let go.” That is what I heard from God this morning while listening to a guided meditation. I have been very intentional about taking my time and dealing with my own shame. I thought I had dealt with it plenty of times before. I thought I had already let it go, but I have not. I knew that if I took my time and surrendered to God’s timeline and instructions then I can finally deal with this. I am not saying that it will never come back up. What I am saying is now I have the tools to not let it wreck my life. If you are dealing with shame my heart goes out to you! I pray these posts have been helping you. Not everyone is dealing with the same kind of shame. Your root of shame may be different than mine. In studying on how to deal with shame I came across a phrase that has truly changed my life. When I saw the term “pride-fueled shame,” I had to pause for a minute. I knew that God was telling me I had a pride issue, but I had no clue my pride and shame go hand in hand. Seeing the term “pride-fueled shame” really wrecked my brain for a moment. After reading that, it took me almost a week to digest it. Still thinking about it now has me really at a loss for words. I had to tell myself several times that my shame and pride go hand in hand because I just could not believe it. I decided to take quite some time on talking to God about this. This is how He broke it down for me: my shame is being fueled by my pride and if I let go of my pride then the shame will no longer have any fuel to keep going. Then God took me a little deeper: my shame is being fueled by my pride (fearing what others would think of me if they knew what I was ashamed of) and if I let go of my pride (stop caring more about what other’s think than what God was telling me to do) then the shame will no longer have any fuel to keep going (and I will no longer care about what other’s think of me.) Man, that really messed me up. It messed me up because not only did I realize I have issues with pride and shame, but now I know I have an issue with being in people bondage. Whew child…fix it Jesus! When I first realized this, I was in such a sad state. I was so sad at the fact that I let my issues run my life and that I had so much to work to do. I didn’t want to do it at first. I really didn’t. It took me some days to finally accept all of this.
If you have been following this entire blog series now you see why I started with fearing the Lord. It’s because when all of this was revealed to me, I said I didn’t want to deal with all of this. I was really considering ignoring all that God had revealed to me. A friend of mine told me that I need to work on fearing God and surrendering what I want to what He is telling me. That’s what I have been working on, and it has been working! If you have been on this journey with me studying how powerful, wonderful, majestic, and awesome our God is then you feel so honored to be obedient to Him. Knowing that God loves me moves me to want to do what He is telling me do. I know that something beautiful will come from this mess because I have given it over to God. If you don’t feel that way, I encourage you to keep spending quiet time with Him. You’ll be so in awe of Him that you’ll want to do whatever He tells you to. It may not be time for you to move forward. Moving at His pace is part of surrender and humility.
Ok, back to this meditation from this morning. The meditation was called “Becoming Like a Child.” It was focused on having the humility of a child. How perfect is that! I am working on getting rid of this pride and what is the opposite of pride? Humility is the opposite of pride. The scripture reference from the meditation was Matthew 18:1-5 (AMP): At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a little child and set him before them, 3 and said, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, unless you repent [that is, change your inner self—your old way of thinking, live changed lives] and become like children [trusting, humble, and forgiving], you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever [a]humbles himself like this child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 Whoever receives and welcomes one [b]child like this in My name receives Me…” What this says to me is that in working on becoming humbler, I need to do so in a childlike manner. I need to look at my Abba (father) and surrender my way to His way because He created me and knows what is best for me. So, what I will be working on now is humility and surrender until God tells me what is next.
I strongly encourage you to try this meditation. If you are unfamiliar with meditation, it’s simple. Meditating on God’s word means to ponder and consider it over and over in your mind. This guided meditation will take you through the process: https://app.encounteringpeace.com/library/become-like-a-child
Be sure to let me know how it goes!
Love Always,
Alexandra